Seems kind of paradoxical even to say, but here we are at last! Wow, I feel such a mix of emotions right now: exhilaration, relief, sadness. Yesterday when I posted the last chapter, I actually teared up. I even had this strange reluctance to hit the “Publish” button because I knew that that would be it–the end.

Forgive me if it sounds over-dramatic, but this really has been an epic journey for me.

Stasis began as an experiment. The first chapter reads like the end of a story, not the beginning. But in reality, it was both: a twisted ending to the canon and the beginnings of dark tale that would take me–and poor, unfortunate Kagome–many long years to complete.

I wanted to see if I could “go there” with this story and still keep it believable. I realize it’s an extreme take on Sesshoumaru’s character. But part of what’s appealing about him is his mystique–his demonic-ness–and so I wanted to play that up. I asked the question–if he really is a demon, what might his motivations be? And so I went from there.

Kagome is the foil–the human element. We see from her perspective how bewildering and horrific his actions are–and experience her rage, resentment, and despair at becoming the unwitting object of his monstrous obsession. Is love truly just a human notion? And what does it mean to be “human,” anyway?

Stasis was also an experiment in writing style. I’d never written a full-length fiction in present tense, but the nature of the story demanded it. Then there is the point of view–first person didn’t feel quite right, but full-on third person seemed too removed, so I struck out to find a middle ground–a sort of psuedo-third person narration where Kagome’s thoughts intermix with the action. It provided me with the flexibility to write with poetic abstraction while still giving a keen insight into Kagome’s thoughts, emotions and visceral reactions.

Long story short, it was a major challenge to write this story. But with great challenge comes great reward, or something like that–and by the time I typed out that final line, I felt like I’d climbed a mountain.

To give you some context, real life took an abrupt left turn for me back in the summer of 2014. It might be fairer to say that for the second time in my 28 years on this earth, my life turned completely upside-down. I couldn’t write. Sometimes I didn’t even feel like I could breathe. I was really doing all I could just to survive, but I never forgot about my fics. And especially my dear readers. Depression was a real and constant presence, and I lived under its cloud up until about a year ago when the fog finally started to lift, and I found the emotional energy to write again.

But I digress. The point is, there was a time when I never thought I’d reach the end. Sometimes when I was beating myself up about shit, I’d heap my uncompleted works on top of the blame pile and wallow in the despair of not even finishing my fics. Every time an awesome person left me a review, I’d just feel even more sad and worthless because I knew I was letting yet another person down.

One day, I told myself that feeling that way was just fucking stupid. I should be happy to hear that people want me to finish my stories. I should be inspired to finish them.

I should finish them.

And though the task of completing Stasis seemed monumental, I sat down and started to write. It was like pulling teeth at first. I just couldn’t seem to gain any traction. The gears were rusted. Pieces had fallen off and gathered dust and just didn’t seem to fit together anymore. The flow was off.

So I took a step back. I re-read the story. I re-read a lot of stories. I listened to music. I spent a lot of time just digesting, thinking…resurrecting the images that had come to me when I first visualized Stasis. Those were still there–the beginning, the middle, the end. I just had to connect the dots, that was all.

And soon, it became clearer, the path: the plot. The spirit of the story returned to me, and the words started to flow again. It may sound ironic, but dark and depressing as Stasis is, the act of finishing the story was very cathartic for me. Maybe it helped give me an outlet for my depression, who knows. I’m not a psychiatrist or anything.

But loooong story short, I’m terribly happy to have finished this tale–and beyond happy to have had the opportunity to share it with you. 🙂

Thank you for reading. And for those of you who have been there from the beginning, who never gave up on my stories even after years of radio silence, a special thank-you for your incredible support & dedication.

It’s been a helluva ride.